home again

"I sought the Lord, and He answered me;
He delivered me from all my fears"
Psalm 34:4

Looking back on baby Mac's short time here with us, I can see things a little more clearly... of course, I know, hindsight and all of that. But what I know is that there were a couple of things we were all very anxious about leading up to Mac's birth. Claire & Jeff, especially, were anxious that Mac not suffer. We worried about whether his time here would be frantic, or chaotic. We agonized over how the day was going to go, how it was ever going to be 'ok' to say goodbye to him.

We asked that you all pray for these things and we prayed for these things, mostly for peace for our family, for comfort for baby Mac, and for calm in the delivery room. What is amazing to me now is that the entire day of his birth and death passed without me giving a thought to any of these things... because God took care of it. There was tremendous sadness, ongoing grief, and pain. But all of the anxieties and worries that we had were never really relevant. Amazing, isn't it?

I think we all have times where we have gotten as far as we are going to get on our own, and realize we aren't going any further alone. When we let God take over, we can go on. Claire & Jeff clearly made that choice, to have faith that God was with them that day and every day.
I am posting a picture that I took of Claire, Jeff & Lydie at the beach last week. What a week it was, of beautiful weather, lazy days and time with family. I don't think any of us would deny that we were burying our heads in the sand a bit, that we left to get away from the reality of life without Mac. But the reward was that we bought ourselves some time where we could get past the initial raw grief. What I want you to see in the picture of the Barnetts is their smiles, the light in their eyes, the joy that they were able to take in Lydie while we were away.

So many people have shared with me their admiration of how Claire & Jeff have handled the loss of Mac, and I too have been impressed with their grace, strength and perspective. They had a choice, from the beginning of all this. They could have chosen to wallow in their grief, to be angry, and to let the sadness consume them. But clearly that is not the path they have chosen. They are rejoicing in their time with baby Mac, grateful for the peace we all had that blessed day, and hopeful for the future.

Claire has said to me a number of times since this all began in April that she hoped that she wouldn't be defined by this. She didn't want to be the girl that people saw and said "there is the girl whose baby boy died". After watching them the last couple of weeks, I have to say that I hope the opposite for them... I hope that they are defined by this time, that people will say "there is the family who lost their baby boy soon after he was born. See how they rejoiced in the blessing of him. And look at how they have continued to hold their heads high and celebrate the blessings that God holds for them."

Jeff went back to work on Monday, and Claire will as well next week. As I have said before, life goes on and we all take time each day to remember Mac, to think about his precious face and to see the incredible impact that he made on so many people in such a very short time. It seems like everywhere I go, people share with me how they were touched by Mac's story, inspired by his brief life, and how they have changed in their daily lives because of him. Many moms have shared that they hold their own children a little closer each night, thanks to the reminder that our children are only ours for a little while- blessings on loan from God.

We continue to be so grateful for your prayers, and would ask that you continue to pray for Claire, Jeff and Lydie. The missing of Mac is hard, and sometimes creeps up on them when they least expect it. I imagine that will be the case for quite a while. Tomorrow, it will be two weeks since Mac was here with us. Thank you for walking this road with us, for your kind words and hugs when we see you, and for remembering Mac.

"Do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
present your requests to God.
And the peace of God,
which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus"
Philippians 4:6-7

love kathie

p.s. happy birthday Lydie-we will be celebrating her 2nd birthday tomorrow!