Four Weeks

Four weeks ago today, sweet baby mac was here with us.

It certainly doesn't seem like four weeks ago. In fact, in some ways it seems like another lifetime. When I think about the intense emotions we were all having four weeks before baby mac was here, how we were grieving, stressed, worried, anxious... it is hard to believe that four weeks after the day of his birth and death, we are all in a much better place. God is good.

Grief & sadness are so much easier to bear than grief, anxiety & uncertainty. Now there is peace.

We celebrated Lydie's birthday last weekend, and Jeff's parents, brother & niece and nephew were able to come into town for the festivities. I was especially happy for them to be here, since the last time they were here, they left amid such sadness. This time, they were able to see with their own eyes that Claire & Jeff are doing remarkably well. The tears are, at this point, few and far between.

Claire shared with me the other day that "it isn’t as if when Mac was born all of our burdens disappeared, but the hardest of those, the uncertainty burden, did. In its place is a burden of grief, and those definitely don’t equal one another. In my opinion, the grief burden is much easier to bear. Jeff also said something last night that I think is so true—he said when we were talking about how we can’t believe we had to go through all of it... our baby was born & died... that he didn’t feel negatively impacted by the entire experience at all. I totally agree with him—I feel like, if anything, we were positively impacted by all of it. That doesn’t mean that it wasn’t hard (and sometimes unbearable), but I truly think we are all better off for having gone through it, from beginning to end."

Wow. Four weeks later, and they are talking about the positives.

I know, without a doubt, that baby mac's time here with us... and I am including all his time here, from Claire's pregnancy until he was born & died... has changed me. Some changes are small, others are bigger. But I am changed for the good, and I hope that everyone reading this, and everyone who shared this experience with us, is changed as well.

Claire & Jeff are so thankful for baby mac, and the time they got to spend with him, and they are also filled with hope for the future- the future in general, and the future for their family. Lydie still doesn't "understand" (do any of us, though?!) but she walks around the house pointing to all of the beautiful pictures of "baby mac". She knows that he is her brother, and he is in Heaven. For her it is pretty simple- that is all there is to know :)

As always, a million thanks. Thank you for choosing to walk this journey with our family, for your continued kind words, notes, and prayers. We will never be able to adequately express our appreciation to you all. Just know that we are thankful for all of you being a part of our lives.

Claire wanted me to end this post on a 'light' note... by sharing some of the funny moments we have experienced in the midst of the sadness. These are as much for us to remember, as to share with you all :)

When we got to the beach after mac died, we were on the elevator... my four year old, Thomas, says, after tapping on Claire's tummy (keep in mind, she had delivered a baby four days prior)...

"Aunt Claire, your baby isn't in your tummy anymore, right?"

Claire said "That's right... you remember, baby mac is in Heaven now"

Thomas says, after a moment's thought, as he taps her tummy again...

"So, why is it still a little bit fat right there?"

Wow... out of the mouths of babes... Claire and I were doing everything in our power not to laugh out loud, but have had many laugh-out-loud moments about it since.


Another funny one, although it wasn't too funny at the time- at the time, I was sincerely questioning my judgement as a mother...

The funeral home had called me to let me know that baby mac's ashes were ready to be picked up. As it is summer, I had both my boys with me, and didn't think much about taking them along. On the way, I prepared them that this was a funeral home, where people come to make arrangements after someone dies. We needed to be quiet and respectful, and be on our best behavior.

The nice lady at the desk went to retrieve the remains, and returned down the hall, carrying a white box. As she got closer, we could see the sticker on the side of the box that read "remains of baby mac leland barnett".

JD, my six year old, leans in to me and asks in a stage whisper... "Mommy... is baby mac in that box?"

The funeral home lady's eyes got as big as saucers, incredulous- I am sure- that I had not done a better job of explaining things to my children :)

As I said, it wasn't too funny at the time (imagine the conversation we had in the car on the way to the Barnetts after that), but we all still laugh about JD's innocence & surprise!

One last 'funny'...

A week ago, while Claire & Jeff were working in the yard, Claire dropped a sharp garden tool on her foot. Apparently, it was pretty dramatic- my dad took off his shirt to wrap around her foot to stop the bleeding, and Jeff carried her up to the house in a wheelbarrow (that visual is funny enough alone, isn't it?)

Anyway, they decided she might need some stitches, and went to the local urgent care place. In the process of gathering information, the doctor learned, in short order that: Claire had had a baby three weeks prior... they were trying to stay "busy" working in the yard... she was not breastfeeding... and she was going back to work the next day. Claire said she & Jeff just couldn't "go there" about mac, and how he had died, right then, but when they left, they realized that the doctor must have thought they were the worst parents on the planet!

Laughter is healing, for sure :)

love kathie

home again

"I sought the Lord, and He answered me;
He delivered me from all my fears"
Psalm 34:4

Looking back on baby Mac's short time here with us, I can see things a little more clearly... of course, I know, hindsight and all of that. But what I know is that there were a couple of things we were all very anxious about leading up to Mac's birth. Claire & Jeff, especially, were anxious that Mac not suffer. We worried about whether his time here would be frantic, or chaotic. We agonized over how the day was going to go, how it was ever going to be 'ok' to say goodbye to him.

We asked that you all pray for these things and we prayed for these things, mostly for peace for our family, for comfort for baby Mac, and for calm in the delivery room. What is amazing to me now is that the entire day of his birth and death passed without me giving a thought to any of these things... because God took care of it. There was tremendous sadness, ongoing grief, and pain. But all of the anxieties and worries that we had were never really relevant. Amazing, isn't it?

I think we all have times where we have gotten as far as we are going to get on our own, and realize we aren't going any further alone. When we let God take over, we can go on. Claire & Jeff clearly made that choice, to have faith that God was with them that day and every day.
I am posting a picture that I took of Claire, Jeff & Lydie at the beach last week. What a week it was, of beautiful weather, lazy days and time with family. I don't think any of us would deny that we were burying our heads in the sand a bit, that we left to get away from the reality of life without Mac. But the reward was that we bought ourselves some time where we could get past the initial raw grief. What I want you to see in the picture of the Barnetts is their smiles, the light in their eyes, the joy that they were able to take in Lydie while we were away.

So many people have shared with me their admiration of how Claire & Jeff have handled the loss of Mac, and I too have been impressed with their grace, strength and perspective. They had a choice, from the beginning of all this. They could have chosen to wallow in their grief, to be angry, and to let the sadness consume them. But clearly that is not the path they have chosen. They are rejoicing in their time with baby Mac, grateful for the peace we all had that blessed day, and hopeful for the future.

Claire has said to me a number of times since this all began in April that she hoped that she wouldn't be defined by this. She didn't want to be the girl that people saw and said "there is the girl whose baby boy died". After watching them the last couple of weeks, I have to say that I hope the opposite for them... I hope that they are defined by this time, that people will say "there is the family who lost their baby boy soon after he was born. See how they rejoiced in the blessing of him. And look at how they have continued to hold their heads high and celebrate the blessings that God holds for them."

Jeff went back to work on Monday, and Claire will as well next week. As I have said before, life goes on and we all take time each day to remember Mac, to think about his precious face and to see the incredible impact that he made on so many people in such a very short time. It seems like everywhere I go, people share with me how they were touched by Mac's story, inspired by his brief life, and how they have changed in their daily lives because of him. Many moms have shared that they hold their own children a little closer each night, thanks to the reminder that our children are only ours for a little while- blessings on loan from God.

We continue to be so grateful for your prayers, and would ask that you continue to pray for Claire, Jeff and Lydie. The missing of Mac is hard, and sometimes creeps up on them when they least expect it. I imagine that will be the case for quite a while. Tomorrow, it will be two weeks since Mac was here with us. Thank you for walking this road with us, for your kind words and hugs when we see you, and for remembering Mac.

"Do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
present your requests to God.
And the peace of God,
which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus"
Philippians 4:6-7

love kathie

p.s. happy birthday Lydie-we will be celebrating her 2nd birthday tomorrow!