Four Weeks

Four weeks ago today, sweet baby mac was here with us.

It certainly doesn't seem like four weeks ago. In fact, in some ways it seems like another lifetime. When I think about the intense emotions we were all having four weeks before baby mac was here, how we were grieving, stressed, worried, anxious... it is hard to believe that four weeks after the day of his birth and death, we are all in a much better place. God is good.

Grief & sadness are so much easier to bear than grief, anxiety & uncertainty. Now there is peace.

We celebrated Lydie's birthday last weekend, and Jeff's parents, brother & niece and nephew were able to come into town for the festivities. I was especially happy for them to be here, since the last time they were here, they left amid such sadness. This time, they were able to see with their own eyes that Claire & Jeff are doing remarkably well. The tears are, at this point, few and far between.

Claire shared with me the other day that "it isn’t as if when Mac was born all of our burdens disappeared, but the hardest of those, the uncertainty burden, did. In its place is a burden of grief, and those definitely don’t equal one another. In my opinion, the grief burden is much easier to bear. Jeff also said something last night that I think is so true—he said when we were talking about how we can’t believe we had to go through all of it... our baby was born & died... that he didn’t feel negatively impacted by the entire experience at all. I totally agree with him—I feel like, if anything, we were positively impacted by all of it. That doesn’t mean that it wasn’t hard (and sometimes unbearable), but I truly think we are all better off for having gone through it, from beginning to end."

Wow. Four weeks later, and they are talking about the positives.

I know, without a doubt, that baby mac's time here with us... and I am including all his time here, from Claire's pregnancy until he was born & died... has changed me. Some changes are small, others are bigger. But I am changed for the good, and I hope that everyone reading this, and everyone who shared this experience with us, is changed as well.

Claire & Jeff are so thankful for baby mac, and the time they got to spend with him, and they are also filled with hope for the future- the future in general, and the future for their family. Lydie still doesn't "understand" (do any of us, though?!) but she walks around the house pointing to all of the beautiful pictures of "baby mac". She knows that he is her brother, and he is in Heaven. For her it is pretty simple- that is all there is to know :)

As always, a million thanks. Thank you for choosing to walk this journey with our family, for your continued kind words, notes, and prayers. We will never be able to adequately express our appreciation to you all. Just know that we are thankful for all of you being a part of our lives.

Claire wanted me to end this post on a 'light' note... by sharing some of the funny moments we have experienced in the midst of the sadness. These are as much for us to remember, as to share with you all :)

When we got to the beach after mac died, we were on the elevator... my four year old, Thomas, says, after tapping on Claire's tummy (keep in mind, she had delivered a baby four days prior)...

"Aunt Claire, your baby isn't in your tummy anymore, right?"

Claire said "That's right... you remember, baby mac is in Heaven now"

Thomas says, after a moment's thought, as he taps her tummy again...

"So, why is it still a little bit fat right there?"

Wow... out of the mouths of babes... Claire and I were doing everything in our power not to laugh out loud, but have had many laugh-out-loud moments about it since.


Another funny one, although it wasn't too funny at the time- at the time, I was sincerely questioning my judgement as a mother...

The funeral home had called me to let me know that baby mac's ashes were ready to be picked up. As it is summer, I had both my boys with me, and didn't think much about taking them along. On the way, I prepared them that this was a funeral home, where people come to make arrangements after someone dies. We needed to be quiet and respectful, and be on our best behavior.

The nice lady at the desk went to retrieve the remains, and returned down the hall, carrying a white box. As she got closer, we could see the sticker on the side of the box that read "remains of baby mac leland barnett".

JD, my six year old, leans in to me and asks in a stage whisper... "Mommy... is baby mac in that box?"

The funeral home lady's eyes got as big as saucers, incredulous- I am sure- that I had not done a better job of explaining things to my children :)

As I said, it wasn't too funny at the time (imagine the conversation we had in the car on the way to the Barnetts after that), but we all still laugh about JD's innocence & surprise!

One last 'funny'...

A week ago, while Claire & Jeff were working in the yard, Claire dropped a sharp garden tool on her foot. Apparently, it was pretty dramatic- my dad took off his shirt to wrap around her foot to stop the bleeding, and Jeff carried her up to the house in a wheelbarrow (that visual is funny enough alone, isn't it?)

Anyway, they decided she might need some stitches, and went to the local urgent care place. In the process of gathering information, the doctor learned, in short order that: Claire had had a baby three weeks prior... they were trying to stay "busy" working in the yard... she was not breastfeeding... and she was going back to work the next day. Claire said she & Jeff just couldn't "go there" about mac, and how he had died, right then, but when they left, they realized that the doctor must have thought they were the worst parents on the planet!

Laughter is healing, for sure :)

love kathie